Self healing clothing

I did some ironing today. I have a really cool skirt which I love but I was not looking forward to ironing it as I, ahem, ripped it by mistake. It was quite a sizeable rip (not a rip cos my ass is too big but a rip by stepping on it with heels). I was ironing it and couldn’t find the rip. I searched and searched and rip was not there. I have now come to the conclusion that my skirt loved me as much as I loved it and it self-healed so I could wear it again.  That was the highlight of my day. Other than that I did the 4 week check-up at the hairdressers and went out for a run. No alcohol today!

Saturday was fun. It involved tapas and wine. And not getting to bed until 6.30am. I’m so hardcore. Of course, it didn’t bloody help that the clocks moved forward. In turn, I managed a measly 3 hours sleep.

Sunday was consumed with trying to find the perfect corset for Obedience School on May 4th. I’ve found it and it looks like this. I’m chuffed I have my first proper corset on it’s way! I am also looking forward to having a 23 inch waist! Mind you I’ll probably not be able to move much… or breathe…or do anything for that matter.

Word.

Symptoms of being over 25. And why I do not live up to it:

I got this email this morning from my friend Jen. I’m 27. In fact I’m 27.5. So I should be able to relate to these points?:

1. YOU LEAVE CLUBS BEFORE THE END TO “BEAT THE RUSH”. (WORST STILL YOU DON’T GO TO THE CLUBS)

I danced ’till 3am last night in a nightclub. Wednesday night. I still made it into work. Go figure.

2. YOU GET MORE EXCITED ABOUT HAVING A ROAST ON A SUNDAY THAN GOING CLUBBING THE NIGHT BEFORE.

Uh, let me see… I can’t remember the last time I had a Sunday roast?

3. YOU STOP DREAMING OF BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLER / BASKETBALL PLAYER AND START DREAMING OF HAVING A SON WHO MIGHT INSTEAD.

Nae chance. What’s all this talk of having children?

4. BEFORE THROWING THE LOCAL PAPER AWAY, YOU LOOK THROUGH THE PROPERTY SECTION.

Ok, true. But I want a house. A big house. So I can dedicate an entire floor to parties. In fact, I would convert the basement into a party zone. And have live bands play.

5. ALL OF A SUDDEN, MIDDLE AGED PEOPLE ARE NOT 46, THEY ARE ONLY 46.

Yes, true. Age is only a number blah blah.

6. BEFORE GOING OUT ANYWHERE, YOU ASK WHETHER THERE IS ANYWHERE TO PARK.

I don’t even have a car.

7. RATHER THAN THROW A KNACKERED PAIR OF TRAINERS OUT, YOU KEEP THEM BECAUSE THEY’LL BE ALRIGHT FOR THE DIY OR IN THE GARDEN.

Certainly not. I would not be caught dead doing DIY in manky old trainers. They would have to be comfortable, yet glamorous pumps.

8. YOU BUY T-SHIRTS WITHOUT ANYTHING WRITTEN ON THEM.

Today I am wearing a t-shirt from my shop which reads ‘Jaime Paris’ and has a picture of the Eiffel Tower with a smiley face.

9. INSTEAD OF LAUGHING AT THE INNOVATIONS CATALOGUE THAT FALLS OUT OF THE NEWSPAPER, YOU SUDDENLY SEE BOTH THE BENEFIT AND MONEY SAVING PROPERTIES OF MOST OF THE THINGS THAT ARE IN IT.

Yes, as I really need incontenence pants with an adjustable bra stretcher.

10. YOU START TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS’ HEALTH.

I think I worry about my health more…

11. YOU HAVE MORE DISPOSABLE INCOME, BUT EVERYTHING YOU WANT OR NEED TO BUY COSTS BETWEEN 200 AND 500 QUID.

I used to have disposable income. Although those things that cost between 200 and 500 quid tend to be shoes.

12. YOU DON’T GET FUNNY LOOKS WHEN YOU BUY A DISNEY VIDEO OR A WALLACE AND GROMIT BUBBLE BATH, AS THE SALES ASSISTANT ASSUMES THEY ARE FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

I still get Id’d. They would obviously think I was going to have a nice bubble bath.

13. POP MUSIC ALL STARTS TO SOUND THE SAME.

NOT! There is a clear distinction between Girls Aloud and Sugababes.

14. YOU OPT FOR PIZZA EXPRESS OVER PIZZA HUT BECAUSE THEY DO A REALLY NICE HALF-BOTTLE OF HOUSE RED.

You can’t beat a nice squidgy Pizza Hut Super Supreme stuffed crust. Plus red wine is evil, it does not agree with my taste buds. If you had said a nice glass of Rose from the south of France then I might have agreed.

15. YOU ALWAYS HAVE ENOUGH MILK IN.

I don’t drink milk, tea or coffee. I might drink chocolate milk.

16. TO COMPENSATE FOR THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LITTLE DESIRE TO GO CLUBBING, YOU INSTEAD FREQUENT TRENDY BARS AND RESTAURANTS IN THE MISTAKEN BELIEF THAT YOU HAVE NOT TURNED INTO YOUR PARENTS.

I have lots of desire to go clubbing and there are NO trendy bars in Aberdeen.

17. WHILE FLICKING THROUGH THE TV CHANNELS, YOU HAPPEN UPON C4′S TIME TEAM WITH TONY ROBINSON. YOU GET DRAWN IN. GRAND DESIGNS ALSO APPEALS.

No no no no! Give me Hollyoaks and Americas Next Top Model any day.

18. THE BENEFITS OF A PENSION SCHEME BECOME CLEAR.

Pensions are rubbish. I’m investing in property and hopefully the millions of pounds I make from my business.

19. YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO PICK UP A COLOUR CHART FROM B&Q.

Yes, but I always have done, even as a child. The colours are mesmerising.

20. YOU WISH YOU HAD A SHED.

I used to have one. It served no purpose. Would rather have shoe cupboard.

21. YOU HAVE A SHED.

Used to

22. YOU ACTUALLY FIND YOURSELF SAYING “THEY DON’T MAKE ‘EM LIKE THAT ANYMORE” AND “I REMEMBER WHEN THERE WERE ONLY 4 TV CHANNELS” AND “NOT IN MY DAY….”

Yes, ok, fair enough

23. RADIO 2 PLAY MORE SONGS YOU KNOW THAN RADIO 1 – AND JEREMY VINE HAS SOME REALLY INTERESTING GUESTS ON.

Not true. Although I am rather partial to a spot of Elton John.

24. INSTEAD OF TUTTING AT OLD PEOPLE WHO TAKE AGES TO GET OFF THE BUS, YOU TUT AT ROWDY SCHOOL CHILDREN.

Old folk are just as bad. Remember, one pushed me in Somerfield.

25. WHEN SITTING OUTSIDE A PUB YOU ADMIRE THEIR HANGING BASKETS.

I also admire the pint of cold cold beer on a hot summer day

26. YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING “IS IT COLD IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME.

Meh?

27. YOU UNDERSTAND THE ABOVE AND FORWARD IT TO YOUR FELLOW AGING FRIENDS.

I don’t understand the above and I’ve decided to post it on WordPress instead.

The most random day in the universe…ever…volume 1

This is the weirdest day I have ever known. FACT. I can’t go into much detail as people may read this and know it was them.

10am: Open shop, do some paperwork, calls, talk advertising rates to a certain magazine

12.30pm: BIG DRUNK GUY comes in. He tells me he has just been thrown out of Primark by the security guards, so, joy, he comes into my shop when I’m here alone. Demands a carrier bag to stuff all his crap in, stays for 10 minutes and proceeds to tell his dad is a judge. My hands are edging toward the panic button. He leaves, thank goodness.

3.00pm: Strange girl enters. I cannot describe HOW strange this girl is. Uber-strange. Alien-strange. Talks to me for an hour about random things like oranges and tomatoes and how she made them into George Bush. I think, am I being tested here? Is this a mystery shopper testing me for my business award nomination?

3.30pm: A drag queen requires an outfit for her act tomorrow night. Fair enough. So I help her pick out a rather sweet little dress.

4.15pm: The strange girl leaves.

4.17pm: A lady calls me to ask what the opening hours are. She also asks me if I sell sheep. No lie. It works out she wants a sheep BROOCH.

This has all felt like a dream. A very strange one. Like those REALLY weird ones.

Can this day get any weirder? Discuss.

Too much booze.

Surprise, surprise. Saturday night landed in carnage, yet again. Sales at the shop were not good, probably due to Easter holidays, snow, people being skint etc. Therefore I felt the need to drink as much as physically possible. Yes, I was back on the ol’ Vodka and Red Bull, the chav’s champagne. Amy (my friend since I’ve known since I was 4) came round to the flat, looking rather glam in her sexah black Macintosh and we started straight away on the beverages. BAD idea. I hadn’t had much to eat that day either so this was not a good start.

‘Anything you can do I can do better’ was on telly, another pants attempt at Saturday night reality TV, this time, a shot at casting for the role of Nancy in ‘Oliver!’. By the time it was finished I was already slurring my sentences and joining in the sing-a-longs*

*I was, in fact, part of the school choir, circa 1987 and Oliver was my speciality. We rehearsed for months to eventually perform at the dizzying heights of the local Inverurie old folks home. Ace.

That was enough of crap telly for the night. I plugged in the laptop to our ridiculously huge sub-woofer and cranked up the volume to 11. Justin Timberlake, Kylie, Sugababes, Justin Timberlake, Justin Timberlake….Combichrist…COMBICHRIST!? Ok, if you haven’t heard of Combichrist then neither did I until my good friend Mel introduced them to me. Please look here for the video. It’s AWESOME.  However, I’m sure we didn’t look quite as twattish as this dude. So, needless to say we danced the danced until our arms could take no more.

Then, the gayness which is Elton John was released. I think we called our friend Alison (sorry Alison) and started singing down the phone. This is when Lou + booze gets silly with her mobile phone.

There seems to be some strange connection with drinking Red Bull and calling/texting 90% of the numbers in my address book.

ANYWAY, by this time it must have been at least 12am? I’m not exactly sure.  We headed out to the local trendy club, Snafu.

The walk from the flat to the club takes about 20 mins or so, but of course we were on the beer scooter so we literally teleported. Next thing I know is that I’m speaking to my friend Isla who works at the door and then we go downstairs to the club. Amy buys a cocktail pitcher. I call people on my mobile. No-one answers. Quel surprise. It is almost 2am. I fall on my arse. I call Scott to take me home. We eat Mexican food. We speak to random guy. We bump into overtly friendly gay couple. We go home. The blurry hands on the clock tell me it’s 5.30am.

Next morning, as usual, I’m scared to check my mobile phone. Random messages, random random random. I think it was a good night?

Now, I may sound like an alcoholic but I’m normally very good. Some of the time I even manage to go to bed sober. Not this time. May this blog post be a constant reminder of how messy it can get.

Today was a good day. I had my day off, got up, spring-cleaned, nipped down to the shop to package up some online orders, went shopping for food in the HEALTH FOOD shop (this is my detox week) then proceeded to half-walk-slip home in the bizarre snow.

A girl was walking in front of me not far from my flat and she slipped and fell from the sludgy snow. She fell HARD and it looked bad. I immediately skidded to her rescue and asked if she was ok and was really very concerned. She was a bit hurt but she managed to pick herself up. I stayed with her a bit and we made friendly small talk. What I couldn’t believe was that a few other passers-by just stared and continued on their journey. How rude. Gone are the days of chivalry, that’s what I say. And when I was in Somerfield today picking up some carrots I was overloaded with stuff. Stuff as in umberlla, large bag with laptop, bag of other stuff. I was trying to pick up my 3 extra carrier bags when an old man pushed me to the side. Since when was that allowed? He should know better. I’m sure in the ‘olden days of yore’ he would have opened a door for a laydee? Evidently I’m not a laydee.

The rest of the day was bliss. I made myself a ridiculously healthy late lunch which consisted of avacados and weirdy bread (or rye bread) and drank some weirdy tea. I sat for the next 3 hours revisiting my favourite book, Kafka on the Shore avec cats on lap.

Tomorrow I expect the sales to be pish again due to the lovely Aberdeen-like weather.

On Wednesday evening I am excited as I am meeting an ooooold school friend for drinks in 99 on Back Wynd whom I haven’t seen in almost a decade. There may be cocktails involved… guard your phones!!

Hello, cruel world…etc

So, quite alot of stuff happens in my life…I thought it was worthy of a blog at least. My name is Lou, I’m a 27 year old blonde as you can physically get female and am married with 3 cats. Other than that, I run a shop called Coco Violet. It sells clothes and shoes and things. It’s the shizzle. It takes up rather alot of my time but in between that I manage to party like a mofo.  In fact the partying has preceded the shop which worries me. This blog will catalogue my life happenings whenever I get the urge to update. Beware people with faint stomachs…